“My dearest wish is that no child turns away from the love of God”

Extract

“I don’t want my children to hate God because of me”

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A few years ago, Wayne Cordeiro, pastor and author of the brilliant book Leading on Empty, was asked to meet with a group of American pastors. Most of them were in their forties and served in parishes with more than 3,000 members. On the second day of the conferences, the organizers asked these people a question that took them all by surprise: “What are you most afraid of?” »

Cordeiro said that every time a pastor responded, tears came and many couldn't even finish what they had started to say. One admitted he didn't know how long his marriage could withstand the pressure of his job. But it was the response from another official that caught Wayne Cordeiro's attention. This one's biggest fear?

“I don't want my children to grow up and hate God because of me. »

I thought a lot about this manager and what he said. I care about my parish. My wife Dianne and I have only been members of two wards in our lives, and one of them is the little sister of the first. We go to this church almost every Sunday. I was formerly involved in its leadership and management, but left to take care of the Care for the Family association. When I resigned, I told the congregation, "I'm sure you will do better without me than with me." » That was the case. I really like this place. And I care about those responsible.

During World War I, some soldiers sent home received the distinction “honorably wounded.” Many of the people in charge of parishes that I meet are “honorably wounded” people. Pressure – physical, emotional or spiritual – when combined with constant criticism, which takes all your energy, does great damage. I know that pastors are not perfect, but that does not excuse everything. One of my greatest privileges in life has been being able to talk with and try to encourage hundreds of pastors from around the world.

However, as I thought about this man's response, his words seemed to me to come not from the man of the Church, but from the parent. I hope this book can help those in charge of parishes; However, it is above all for all mothers and fathers that I wrote it.

When asked for his greatest fear, this pastor could have chosen one among the hundreds linked to his work: that his parish is failing, that there are not enough funds for activities and programs, perhaps even if his deacon changes his mind and retires! But no: his first thought was for his children.

Why this fear that they might hate God because of him? Is it because he was monstrous at home? I'm sure that it's not the case. Is it because he didn't provide for his family? I have no doubt that he did. Is it because he didn't love his children? I am sure he would have given his life for them.

I think I understand why many parents had the same fear as him, because I felt this anxiety myself.

Being raised in a Christian home and being personally involved in the life of the community, with all the pressures that may entail, could actually damage the seed of faith in the hearts of our children and prevent it from growing. Our fear is actually that this exposure to Christianity will lead them to little love of God or those who follow him.

“No suffering equals the suffering of a parent. » This is what psychologist John White writes. If he is right, it is because there is no love like that of a father or a mother. We can behave so badly towards our husband, wife, friends or colleagues that they stop loving us. But for most parents, it's hard to imagine getting to the point of saying about your son or daughter, "I don't love them anymore."

CS Lewis wrote: If you love, your heart may be twisted, potentially broken. If you want to be sure to keep it intact, you must not open it to anyone, not even an animal.

All over the world, I met parents who were suffering for their children. They could have a great job and a good group of friends, they were happily married and had children. And on top of that, they loved their own parents.

Why then were their parents suffering?

Simply because, although their children were raised in a Christian home and attended church regularly, they seemed to have closed their hearts to the faith. It's as if we had vaccinated them against Christianity and that they had a bad reaction as soon as they came into contact with it.

Who would want to have such faith?

Morgane is twenty-five years old. Until she was sixteen, she attended the same church, the one her mother had taken her to since she was a baby. When I asked her if she still went there, she shook his head. Her jaw clenched, she replied, “No. I no longer believe in these stories about God. » I bought her a coffee and asked her why she felt that way.

An hour later, I watched her leave after saying goodbye. I knew she thought her story was unique and, obviously, in some aspects it was. But the more I listened to it, the more I felt like I had heard this same story a hundred times.

It was not an intellectual, reflected doubt that prevented his soul from believing. Nor was it the result of overwhelming persecution that would have terrified her and led her to deny the existence of God. It wasn't even a total rebellion on his part, in the fists in the air and partying to forget kind of way.

Nothing of that. She sighed more than fumed and calmly explained to me that people, events, attitudes and disappointments – including on her part – had ended up extinguishing the little flame of faith that was once in her heart.

I had a hard time not thinking about Morgane in the days that followed, and I knew why. It was because of his last comment towards me. I would have taken it better if it had been said with bitterness in his voice, but that wasn't the case. It was a sad and dejected resignation.

“Rob, how could anyone want faith like that? »

Almost all parents realize that they have made mistakes, and yet the truth is that the majority of us do our best to raise our children. We know that we would do a hundred things differently if we were given the chance to start over. Although we suspect that deep down, even then, we would make other mistakes.

A good number of us don't need to beat ourselves up any more than we already do. An elderly man, who had almost seventy-five years of experience as a parent, said, “Parenting is fifty percent fear and fifty percent guilt. » I tend to agree – although I think he's downplaying the guilt a bit. So many parents live feeling guilty. Over time, guilt suffocates us, rules us, and ultimately consumes us. We feel completely responsible for the actions and behaviors of our children.

Being rational doesn't help. To think that our thirty-seven-year-old son has become a lumberjack and has four children does not prevent us from wondering if he could not have become a brilliant surgeon, if we had pushed him a little more at school. when he was thirteen.

A woman wrote to me, saying, “Guilt comes attached to the placenta. »

This guilt rarely helps us, and sometimes we need to remember that even God has problems with His children.

My own children are now grown and married; and I thank God for everything he has done in their lives. There were a number of tears shed before I managed to thank him, a lot of "if only..." Even without having nagging regrets, I wish someone had warned us before we became first-time parents, Dianne and I, about some of the issues I'm going to cover in this book. That matters.

When you pray for your children, ask God to protect them from all the dangers they will encounter in life: greed, easy sex, drugs, alcohol abuse and the hundred other traps that exist . Ask Him to help them when they face those who would ridicule or destroy their faith. If they are the target of persecution, pray that they have the courage to overcome what they will have to endure.

Once you have done all this, don't stop there, pray for the next risk, for the fight against that which crushes the little seed of faith in millions of young people: ask that your children go through these first experiences of Christian faith without ending up hating God.

I realize that this may not seem like a very ambitious prayer. I completely understand that your prayer would be that they love God – that’s obvious. However, there are millions of parents who would be content with a child who kept his heart open to God.

Before we begin, let me say this. If your children are older, it may seem difficult to read a book like this: you say to yourself that it may be too late. If this is you, remember this beautiful verse from the book of Joel: “Yes, I will compensate you for the years that the locusts have devoured – locusts, locusts, crickets and a flock of locusts. »

It's never too late to reach a child's heart. Even as an adult, it is never too late to ask for forgiveness, it is never too late to pray.

Over the past ten years, I have had the opportunity to interact with tens of thousands of people at “Bringing Home the Prodigals” events held around the world. And I discovered that many “prodigal” children never turned their back on God – they rejected something else. This book is intended to be an exploration, a reflection of what this other thing can be. And if we find that “something else,” then we may be able to prevent many children from taking this path. And we may also realize that our so-called prodigal children are not so far from God.